I seriously wish I was FB friends with her
Last night I apparently send my boss a picutre of my boobs. On the bonus part I got a raise today. So I just want to thank your parents for naming you Jeff cuz if I was not so hammered last night I would have sent it to the right one.
i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.
I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
The plan was to get laid... Now the plan is to survive.
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
You ever got drunk on $5? Cuz it's about to happen
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
On a scale from 1 to banned, how offensive do you think it would be to wish my vibrator happy Valentine's Day on various social media outlets?
Congrats on graduating and I'm in a cab and need someone to helps keeping me up, do you mind
All I got was pictures of my boss and dicks. So, that was the end of snapchat.
Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.
we tried to make a drinking game out of 4 pokemon cards you found in a drawer.
Randomize
