I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i looked at dads computer and apparently he was looking at job ads on craigslist and the only one clicked that turned purple said "GET PAID TO MASTURBATE"
Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf
Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.
Bjs on a first date are the gateway to getting to know someone for who they really are.
You said you wanted to start a restaurant called 'Barbecue' where everything is barbecued. You sounded really proud of your concept.
Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
I'M MAKING HIKING PLANS WITH THE GIRL WHO IS DATING MY EX, THAT IS PERSONAL FUCKING GROWTH
Pretty sure my parents just hear me get off from the living room but I feel like they should be proud that I did it without a man honestly.
Wtf. So apparently this 5 star establishment doesn't allow strip putt putt in the parking lot. We all just got kicked out of our rooms.
"Uno más" are officially my least favorite words in the entire Spanish language.
GOOD MORNING! This is your wake up call! Just incase this text wasn't enough, I had sex on your bed last night while you were drunk hitting on my sister. Dan jizzed on your pillow! We rubbed it on both sides! Now get up and go to class!
Is it weird that I shop for lingerie by thinking if it will look good on both me and your floor?
No. Not at all.
Randomize
