Help i just walked in on mom blowing dad
i asked a few people if they wanted to make pancakes with me but no one would. thats why i'm drunk by myself right now
i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them
How do you feel?
Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.
I wouldn't blame my organs if they just decided to quit working after this weekend
you regret 100% of the tequila shots you do take. thats what gretzky meant to say
First highlight of the semester: campus safety caught me peeing in the dirt parking lot by kappa. Then as they were about to write me up, they recognized me, laughed, and left.
I think it's gonna be hard to find a guy that won't take my consistent drinking as alcoholism
yeah, you could tell they werent used to the strange things that i say. they were all outright shocked when i told one guy i hoped someone kidnapped him and stretched his dickhole over a fire hydrant
No like you've drunkenly persistently tried to take your shirt off in the middle of a park filled with children. You had already thrown your bra at my crotch.
You called it motorboating but you just snot rocketed into my tits.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I will buy you batman underwear babe. I'll make sure you wear them every time we have to adult.
I can't believe the police had to bring me to my booty call last night
Ok so I need a recap of last night...
YOU SPENT SIX DOLLARS AT NICKEL BEER NIGHT!!! How's that
Randomize
