just had sex in his gielfriend's bed, and puked all over it. i need to get out of here.
everytime she opens her mouth i wish that i was deaf
Lesson Learned this Week... If it seems too good to be true he is probably just trying to get you pregnant.
Dude, didnt you only know that guy for a month and he is demanding offspring?
Apparently, at this age my womb is an early conversation
How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?
those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.
Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.
I just stood up and am wasted. I think I just admitted to my mom that I am trying to fuck everyone in New York because they're skinny and ethnically ambiguous. Meanwhile, happy hour isn't over yet.
Favor? Can you not wear as much glitter on your face this time? Walking in the house looking like a disco ball was enough embarrassment for the week 😒
dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
How to not get laid: tell him he reminds you of your brother. While having sex. Thanks, vodka.
Just got done being naked and Mooning the cops. I'm still alive. Let's drink.
The gyno waiting room is so strange because the pregnant woman next to me is making a PowerPoint of her pregnant photo shoot with her husband and I’m sitting here trying to figure out from Instagram who I had sex with on Sunday lol
Randomize
