he's making romantic advances towards me. and he has a pet snake. 2nd part not relevant, but interesting.
Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high
dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.
I got a handjob to the OC theme song. It was like going back in time 7 years.
i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.
He said he got laid, but you and i both know he was too high to leave his house.
I GOT MY PERIOD THIS IS A GLORIOUS DAY I AM TOTALLY GOING TO MAKE PIES TO CELEBRATE THAT THERE ARE NO REPUBLICANS IN MY UTERUS!
I got Pilsbury cinnamon rolls for us to have tomorrow, but I don't have the willpower to leave them in my fridge overnight, so I am eating them all and getting us more in the morning
I love you more by the minute
This is what we do on Thursday nights. Spray tans, blunts and drawing pictures of cats.
you didn't want to pay for the shots so you negotiated with the bartenders. Apparently 1 shot is worth 5 seconds of motor-boating you.
I'm getting drunk by myself again. But I'm not shotgunning any of them. That's self-restraint, right?
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
See, this is why we give you shit. Ashley gets her car cleaned out, I get multiple enchiladas made, and you get cum in your eye.
I took my makeup off with mouthwash. Seemed like a good idea. It worked.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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