I'm buying a pregnancy test with my lunch money. Classy.
hey just checking if u still hate me for sleeping with your sister?
I'm not sure what happened last night, but I have someone stored in my phone as 'Aftershock'
You took a bar mat shot.
You showed up at my apartment after 3 am wasted with a plate of cookies and tried to hook up.
Sorry about that. Except for the cookies.
I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.
No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night
Jesus horatio Christ I forgot my mittens and am considering shoving my hands down the pants of the first semi attractive man I see
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
You were naked too, so it cancels out. We're straight.
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Should I take a fireball shot or brush my teeth?
The fact that I bookended my summer with pregnancy scares doesn't upset me. The fact that he's a trombone major does...
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
I am so dumb. I made a mistake and let him get away.
Don't worry, there are other penises in the sea.
Thanks, mom.
Randomize
