i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
The bouncer was kicking me out and I put up my finger for him to wait while I chugged the rest of my drink..all he could say is "are you serious right now?"
We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault
TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.
he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
You would think by the size of the lump on my ass that I would have remembered falling down a flight of stairs.
But what is a man profited, if he should gain Joe Biden and lose Alex Trebek?
Randomize
