I wish there was an iPhone app to help you with your shitty personality.
Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me
As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.
We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.
ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.
Woke up laying in the kitchen floor with a cup in one hand and the beer tap in the other. Guess I just needed that one last beer.
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"
I want to be you.
And then after we fucked he wouldn't stop calling me "champ". It was like I had sex with an extremely attractive soccer coach
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
I'm sorry I called your mother a reasonably-priced receptacle.
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
You spent the whole night conversing with your zombie poster, so I'd say you were pretty far gone.
Would it be weird if i sent him a "happy fuckiversary" text?
I went to a swingers party and came home with a boyfriend. I love my life.
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