Spring semester is just not the same w/o you
Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.
i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day
but fathers day is next sunday
i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet
Almost thought it was a good idea to call his parents to thank them for having a son with an awesome dick. That high.
I woke up in a place I've never been before, with people I've never met before using me as a table for domino's.
I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months
They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college
I hate being near you and not being able to do what I want. It's like a recovering alcoholic tending bar. I feel like Sam Malone. Except I can't bang the cute chick I work with.
I wish on days I started my period Chipotle would come to my house with a burrito bar ... Then give me a chocolate cake and a large beer.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
Yeah bc that's when u should take a Molly. At a house party with everyone from ur hometown
Got home & pissed on my moms carpet like a bear in the woods. I woke up to a picture message with me passed out on the floor with my pants down & hands covering my face. I've had an awkward week
maybe i should limp back to therapy...
oh yeah will you also bring home vodka i wanna do shots on the roof
My whole life is a joke
Yeah. I’m starting to see why you drink so much.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
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