I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors
He wanted me to blow him while he was playing guitar hero. there will not be a second date
you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.
Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water
oh god...if the people that live above me killed themselves again then im gonna assume im the worst neighbor ever
It's a goat... but where the fuck did it come from?
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
But yesterday I literally met half his family buzzed wearing a cheeta print bathing suit super short shorts and a tiny tank top.. I was like awesome
So, I'm about to take my pants off in the Walmart parking lot, when am old lady parks next to me. I'm all the way in the back next to the semis. What the hell?
On the upside I'm hairless from the waist down. On the downside, I just chemically burned my labia
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
He was wearing running shoes tho. Thats like the cardinal rule. You don't fuck a guy who wears running shoes as regular shoes.
the night was just a blur of sex and pie
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
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