M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
Through a series of unfortunate circumstances, I think I just sprayed lime juice on my vagina.
Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.
last night this guy was hitting on me by showing me the famous people he had in his contacts on his cell... when he asked me if i knew lindsay lohan, i said "whose that? sounds asian"
Hey man, did I leave the bottom drawer to my refrigerator that I had beer in at your house by any chance?
Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance
I wore a leash I'll tell you about it later I had a fantastic time
Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.
She still cant shoot whiskey?
Im having serious doubts about this relationship
Tom is laying in a bathtub filled with ice pretending to be a polar bear.
So I just stirred my shower drink with my razor.
I'm not going to ask which end you used.
His friend still there? Be like "I need to see both of your dicks ASAP"
Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle
I masterbated to his instagram page. Too far or....?
My life is just a trash fire of work and Japanese video games now
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