I cannot find my penis.
My hand turned me down
Do you ever make guys send you dick pictures just cause it's hilarious?
Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.
Still burping lighter fluid. Totally awful.
Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I'm tryin a pb and onion sandwich now
Please smoke with me until I agree that sounds like a good idea
Forced to cancel my booty call due to the snowpocalypse. This crosses the line.
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Considering we almost incited a riot on behalf of LGBT rights I have to say that was the best time for our moral compass to turn south.
I plan on getting so intoxicated, that I think it's MY own birthday
Can I play this game?
this is a mass text: the cage has been opened. repeat, the cage has been opened. a search party will be organized. you are all sloppy bitches. that is all.
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
So, I can officially cross "getting eaten out in a church confession booth" off my bucket list.
Randomize
