No better way to find a friend than to offer cyber sex and see what happens
I couldnt find her vag and just started laughing uncontrollably. She was not pleased. Neither was i.
Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
i blame lastnights decisions on friday the 13th
I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Sorry I drunkenly insulted your air mattress last night. You still could have fucked me on it though.
I'm going to teach Troy such valuable life lessons. Yesterday I told him to stay away from girls who drink redbull and vodkas.
The worst part about being a grammar Nazi is all the porn I skip over because the titles are misspelled
Watching the Walking Dead, snuggled up naked, and drinking a beer. No better way.
If ever there was a tweet to describe your life, it's this.
I'm sorry, that really sucks. I'm in the bath eating lasagna and if anyone comes in here it's going to be bad news for them
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
How do you nicely stand up a date that you're skipping for a 3sum
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Let me just get through this whole court subpoena thing and then ill go back to buying alcohol for minors.
Randomize
