There is a such thing as a wonderpuss octopus. Officially my new favorite animal.
I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.
Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.
I hated hipsters before it was mainstream.
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass
we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.
At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.
Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?
Can't talk right now. I'm doing tequila shots with my professor at some Mexican bar. That's how I prepare for finals.
I don't care how fucking drunk you are, you don't forget wanting to shove a wine bottle up someone's ass.
You know you are 86'd from the legacy right? You can't down shots then spike the shot glass
Maybe snorting K off penises isn't healthy
I never truly understood the phrase ball is life until I started having to balance NBA finals and all these men with balls i'd like to handle.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
