The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....
I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.
Preparing for thanksgiving at home now by chugging bourbon. Less than a month to train!
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
Operation liquormelon is in full effect. We may die tonight.
Guess what happened to me today at work?
I have chlamydia. What happened.
Oh lets talk about your news first. Mine is happy so it should go second.
I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.
Just cause I'm shitfaced wasted every night waking up in random beds all over Manhattan does not mean I'm a mess.
Truth. Respect the hustle.
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Remember that time you bought snap bracelets on Amazon and they sent you 300 pregnancy tests instead? Amazon knows.
I just bought us acid. I'm like the drug tooth fairy. Get ready to wake up with a sweattart of acid under your pillow.
Having boobs is probably the greatest thing in the world, free booze all around
Your the only girl I know that carries a $1100 purse with tater tots inside
Great... now even my dreams are making fun of me
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