u downloaded tardy 4 the party
then u started screaming about not wanting nene on the record
He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
yes and no. im drunk but idk if im "blow marcus" drunk. call in like an hour.
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Apparently he got pepper spray on his dick. So he's a literal fire crotch.
whoa whoa whoa, you're saying I shouldn't post pics of you balls deep in a southern hottie?
I woke up this morning cradling my vibrator like it was a baby
Wait an hour then go and untie him. Bring toilet paper and some spare underwear. Want anything from Starbucks?
I took advantage of the fact that my mentee had to go to the bathroom to throw up in the other stall. I'm going to hell for being hungover at an elementary school.
Normally getting fucked up with the owner and suggesting he motorboat me wouldn’t help my chances of a promotion, but this is 2020 and he definitely enjoyed it
Randomize
