My life has hit rock bottom, I'm watching a movie on lifetime about retarded people falling in love. And I'm jealous of their relationship.
I woke up at 3am naked and stroking a watermelon.
her and i fucked to a michael jackson song and she had it memorized so she squealed every time he did
Nothing like wearing your heels and smelling like henney in the afternoon
Covered in confetti and bad decisions
I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital
I have family pictures in an hour and a half and I'm 9 beers deep. This is how I get written out of my grandparents will...
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.
"Like what guy would respond to 'let's fuck. I've got bagels'??"
I told him he could fuck me in his Notre Dame jersey if they won and he never texted back. What is this world coming to
I couldn't find any flowers so I brought her a cat.
I fit in backpacks. BOOM HERE I AM! Like a stripper from a cake.
I used your vibrator when you were out of town. Now I know why you always come out of your room smiling.
Went home last night with that hot British guy. Sounded like I was f-ing in a Harry Potter movie.
So, just how hungover are you?
Not at all, surprisingly.
That has to be your X-Men power.
Randomize
