I guess i tried to text 911 last night with "someone stole my bong." Thank god that doesn't work...
so i was trying to be sexy and unzip his pants with my teeth. i got my lip caught in the zipper and it bled for a good 15 min, totally a mood killer.
As im putting my laundry in the machine, i find a solo cup and a pong ball that i signed babe ruth
Fail #1 I puked off the balcony onto the balcony below us and when I tried to pour water on it in the morning to wash it off it just went all over their deck. Sorry room 1342 but welcome to Jamaica
Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic
He said he was trying to live vicariously through me. I didn't have the heart to tell him that meant he was vicariously fucking his best friend.
Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
I gave him my yeast infection. HOW THE FUCK DOES THAT EVEN WORK?
Note to self, stop going out with self absorbed bisexuals
I spent 10 minutes contemplating condensation on grapes this morning.
We inadvertently arrived at the strip club on Bear Night. The dancers all look like young Santa Claus and there's a buffet....
I haven’t taken my socks off in over 36 hours. I should add that to my bumble profile.
Last night I had a dream that I changed my last name to Vodka. what does that say about my life?
long story short... we may or may not have lost your car.
Randomize
