I just met lou reed's venus in furs. Her hands are slippery.
Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.
Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.
did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.
i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.
I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.
I bought a police grade breathalyzer on ebay at 4:37 am. At least I'm a responsible drunk.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
When you're looking for your panties tomorrow, you traded them for a blunt on the train.
My suggestion is that you just get high and set shit on fire
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Lusting after Beyonce when you're a lesbian is like having a crush on Jesus. You just don't do it.
You know it was a weird night when you find curly fries in your purse the next morning...
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