Sorry, I have to go home and feed my nepotisms
Sorry, I can't talk, there's a herd of nepotisms headed my way
I pooped in a mop bucket.
WTF???
Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that
He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it
just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.
Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america
Found her. Shes unconscious up against the room door. Her credit card is in the keycard slot
He puked in the funnel and continued to chug it. Who is this dude?
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
It's like my uterus needs a hug... and anti depressants
Why were you twerking to, "The Wheels on the Bus"?
Its a good night when you get to makeout with a cowboy
They weren't kidding when they said "Go Army Strong." Best sex I ever had.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm going to get drunk, come back, call my grandma, and eat all those scrambled eggs.
I can’t believe you’re letting her use the Mercedes
It seemed like a better idea while she was giving me a hand job. It’s a good thing we weren’t having sex. Who knows what I would agree to during sex
Randomize
