my dad just encouraged me to do a kegstand
best part, i was ridiculous and none of them were judging me bc they didn't want my vagina. it was like i was a pretty painting
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her
When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.
he was cradling you in his arms feeding you rum straight from the bottle and you kept sucking his fingers.
He probably has his cowboy hat on, that's his house hat.
don't worry i just saved a song to my personal usb drive to give to the dj at the bar. he's playing old school jlo whether he likes it or not.
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I just rode a horse than walked onto my property in boarshorts, flip flops, and holding a 40. What do I win?
You were wearing a cookie monster onesie and telling everyone you were actually the sausage monster..
On the bright side I still got laid
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
I LinkedIn messaged people about jobs when I was blacked out
Dude did you see that video of yourself crying while bathing in vodka on YouTube?
Randomize
