i want you to feel like i'm letting you into my heart, not just my vagina.
Well. Nothing came of that. And to think I manscaped and dusted with gold bond.
you ran down to the water at 3am and rolled in the sand and ran around screaming that you were the corn dog monster.
we'll go far in life on tits alone.
are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.
Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.
The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME
The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question
Streaking across a girls college rugby game is probably the best, and most painful, decision I've ever made
I always thought The Big Bang Theory wasa terrible show but that was before it came with blowjobs and pizza.
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
Just ordered a pregnancy test off amazon. Fuck 2019
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