he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
The used rubbers I threw behind her bed all semester must have landed on the baseboard heater. They went up in smoke when she turned on the heat last night.
the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.
fuck our hall.
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
She fell down no less than 4 times while we were at the club. One of which was while she was in the bathroom stall next to me.
He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.
Honestly I was sitting in managerial accounting thinking "I really need to get my shit together and stop drinking so much wine." But when you asked I realized... it's wine. It's always a yes.
I tried to light my cup as a bong. I'm done drinking
Please tell me those naked pics were not your mom. Lie if you have to.
I hope. Last year I got lost in New Orleans and some guy named Cookie walked me home while I cried.
Listen I'm tryna celebrate your divorce. Sometimes that calls for drinking on the toilet.
Remember the time you cried about coconuts
she's my really slutty friend i bring around so i can act slutty and not feel as bad about it
I have more important things to worry about than you drowning your cheerios in tequila.
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