If my body was a temple, I pissed all over the front stairs last night..
I just realized I'm gonna get paid at midnight on New Years Eve. That could be dangerous.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
are you excited because you wanna see me or because you wanna get laid?
bc i get to see you. naked.
1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.
I swear some just paged for more cock rings over the intercom.
The little girl I babysit saw pink plastic shot glasses in my car and asked what they were for and I told her they were princess teacups.
The condition was that I had to eat her out to Beethoven
Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.
Hey, remember that time a week ago when we walk-of-shamed literally down the Vegas Strip at 8:45am and I had one broken heel?
Wow you are like a taller more attractive sex Yoda.
Actually I learned to fire a 357 Magnum at the age of ten while on my very first period
Why is there a pair of panties on my front lawn?
Randomize
