Lets date for the summer
what?
Dont love me in September.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
He uses pillows to masturbate.
the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.
She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick
I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.
Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
well he never texted me back and the pizza I took my rage out didn't deserve such malice
A person can only vomit Fireball so much before they quit it forever
I just bought a blender and 120 pizza rolls. Bring tequila.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
My first love was gay too, it's okay.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
