So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
the drag queen on stage looks like shes wearing the EXACT same dress i wore 2 senior prom.
I kind of wish I was already fat. So I could eat all I want and not worry about getting fat. Cause I'd already be at that point.
WISH UPON A TAMPON
They constantly get farther than me.
tampons.
It was great. Even bought me breakfast in the AM
From?
Well, he didn't exactly take me out, but left a $20 on the table...
The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint
He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....
Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.
And I feel bad.
Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
She started throwing ice at me and started yelling, "Holy water bitches! This is an exorcism!"
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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