Being alone has allowed me to flourish into a complete weirdo
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I wish all the girls i wanted to sleep with knew how big my dick was then id have a better chance
he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up
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if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian
if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it
Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning
My sister was crawling her way home and kept asking us to carry her,then she insisted on grabbing at our ankles til she passed out, how was your night?
Oh thank Jesus fuck for my shitty infertile womb. Crisis averted
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It says a lot about the way my life is going right now that 'there's no shit in your house' is fucking good news.
You can't Tinder AND have him bring you icecream in the same night. It messes with your vagina.
I'm at the nutcracker high as shit. It's so beautiful. I cried.
Seeking encouragement from my tinder matches to ace this test. I've sunk to a newest low.
do you know of a way I can die but like NOT die? like not being unconcious, just ascending to an astral plane for a few weeks or months in real world time so i can sort my issues out away from the rigors of life kinda deal, you know?
How dare sober me try to tell drunk me I can't eat the applesauce in the fridge! Stingy bitch IM EATING THE APPLESAUCE! you can tell sober me I said that.
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