the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex
Sorry for making you give strangers a ride for hits of acid.
I'm about to play Thunderstruck by myself, that way I'll always get the long thunder part.
Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me
He said he wanted to have butt sex with me and curl up with me after and just be near me. Then he passed out.
The venue for the new years party is close to the hospital for obvious reasons.
I wish there were birth control emojis
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
He tried to reenact Braveheart's freedom scream but got tackled by his drunk roommate who thought he was yelling that the handle he was holding up was free.
I tripped while walking across the stage and while trying to pick my diploma back up my flask fell out in front of the dean
Can you help me get ready before work? I need a look that says I'm-happy-to-help-but-I'm-hungover-so-leave-your-attitude-at-the-door-because-I'm-not-taking-anyone's-shit-today.
My dad just asked if I could bring snacks to jail this weekend. Like what does he think this is, some type of adult play date?
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
So apparently dinosaur erotica does, in fact, exist.
Haha! I swear, it's like I'm talking to Buddha with a slutty agenda. You are so full of wisdom.
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