dude you need to get laid
me?
no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months
oh I thought you were talkin about me
wait
i told him he had the best dick i've ever seen. then supposedly i kept repeating "peter piper picked the perfect penis"
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
if you think for one second that i'm not using my mittens as hand puppets at the bar tonight then u dont know me at all!
Just spit on a sock to clean a spot on my glass table. Oddest combination of so lazy and motivated ever.
How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist
i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer
He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated
Today's weekday brunch started at 2pm, and consisted of $7 of sandwich and $50 of cocktails. Also, I hustled the bartender for about $3 playing nickel poker, but he may have been letting me win. Either way, he didn't get into my pants.
You should have thought about how you were going to treat me before having me take photos of your asshole.
I'm pmsing and only have one functional foot
If a treadmill opens up I'll run next to him and then fall off so he has to give me mouth to mouth
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
My grandma just invited me to gate crash a funeral for the free food. Priorities.
I have no idea, I usually just project my awkwardness out like a mating call until it draws other awkward members of the opposite sex out from the bushes
Randomize
