Why would I want to inherit a sex machine used by my grandma?
You probably shouldn't be hiding under someones bed listening to them get head
I'll hook up with guys I don't even like, as long as they leave early enough the next day.
I walk of shamed back from his dorm in costume while his dad and brother were waiting outside to drive him home. his dad apologized to me. my life never gets old.
She was adopted and used to dance at Sapphire. just my speed.
Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.
The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.
She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.
Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect
Alright, I can go by eventually,, I don't wanna lose a second pair of shoes this semster from blacking out...
I think they took out their livers years ago and replaced them with like cheese graters or something. Only explanation.
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Your brother slept on my deck. There was a key under the mat. Relapse party success.
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
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