Someone took a freaking dump on a roll of toilet paper. Next to the toilet. No shit in the toilet. Just on the roll of toilet paper.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.
it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with
She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.
I just ate four packages of Swiss Rolls. Being high and on food stamps is AHmazing.
Is my lip ring still in your hair?
And then. You beer bonged 3 tall boys. In a row. Fell into some kids lap. And pulled down my shirt trying to get up. Thank you for that. I got laid
It was so weird. She left to go to the bathroom and her older sister leaned towards me with a creepy smile and said, "You don't deserve her" and then continued to stare at me with a crazy expression for the rest of the evening.
That's kinky shit dude.
No he can't help me find his house he is strapped to a stretcher facing the opposite direction
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
After sex he just told me I'm definitely pregnant and it's a girl. Should I run?
Cooked. Eating pizza. Didn't have a napkin so I took my shirt off and I'm using it.
Do you know who changed all my phone contacts into characters from Harry Potter?
He Who Must Not Be Named.
Fuck you.
I want to meet people. Preferably ones with penises
Randomize
