Listen, Pinot Grigio got me pregnant. It can get you a boyfriend.
Let's just say for some reason we thought it was okay to make a burrito smoothie.
That girl you went home with last night was dressed in a bright blue sweats at the bar. 205lb Smurffete FTL. Boy were you in epic form.
he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Just caused a nice traffic jam while trying to park at Costco. Too high to drive.
Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
A homeless man just asked me if I had seen any "nekkid chicks with heineken bottles run by"
Berkeley was the right choice
He screamed AMERICA, took a shot of vodka out of a Tupperware container, and then asked if he could see my tits
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
He watches the nature channel every time I am here. It's like a manipulation technique because baby zebras will get me every time.
This whole pope visit thing is ruining me having sex.
it'll be like a game of Russian Roulette, but with my vagina.
Thank you, my gorgeous heroine, for being such a total life-saver by giving me rides, forcing me to eat, providing porous absorbant surfaces to bleed on, and everything else you do <3
i found you passed out on the floor with a half-eaten pie. i figured youd be the last person to care if i went and banged your sister
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