is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?
Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.
I wonder if i could put a dildo on my bike seat to encourage me to exercise.
There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.
I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants
My fuck buddy is great and all, but it gets weird when she gets in arguments with her BF in the driveway
The woman that sang I Touch Myself died today. There's only one appropriate way to honor her memory.
I'm on the job.
I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?
I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak
Nothing shouts "I'm single" like a thousand needlepoint pillows.
I woke up on my girls floor with a pound of muenster cheese in my shirt pocket
I cant go through life without knowing what ginger pubes actually look like
I need a guy who can see in me what the lesbian community sees in me
Don't come back. They don't have pants.
Oh god.
God has nothing to do with this.
The fact that I made out with a twenty one year old father is kind of worrying me now. Like. This is exactly what I wasn't supposed to do in life.
Ate 5 hotdogs today. You need to get me back on my tequila diet cause this shit has to stop!
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