I judge my drunkenness on my brickbreaker playing skills. I'm winning. Suck it.
woke up with peach flovored chap stick on my taint ! dont ask why i know it was peach
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
Pretty sure that Albanian broad gave me something last night. Now we play the waiting game.
all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident
Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
Just renamed the subject of my sex list on my phone "grocery list" just in case anyone comes across it
please come back. it's turned into strip rock paper scissors
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
She told me I’m a “stunt cock.” I’m okay with that
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
There were 16 girls and 31 titties. That’s how the club was. Lance doesn’t get to decide ever again.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
