WOAH SHIT! That wasn't my girlfriend last night.
Nothing commands respect in a meeting like Jack Daniels on the breath. You're fine.
my grandma just informed me that patrick swayze used to babysit my dads cousins why wasn't i informed of this early...like when i was obsessed with dirty dancing!
I'm pissed I'm finding this out at 24 bc i could have used this material to make friends
he made me stop in the middle of the blowjob to turn the tv towrds him. i then proceeded when he stopped me again to get him the remote. fuck me.
I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge
I need a secretary to manage my drinking schedule.
i did make 45 jello shots and that makes me feel more productive then any paper would
Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.
Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.
I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts
Am I supposed to find that romantic?
You know we had a good night last night when today I opened up my Google Translate application and the language is set to Persian and the phrase to translate is "I want you to suck my dick".
Meeting girls and telling em you have no hair on your calves is not an acceptable pick up line
I woke up and he was just feeling up my stomach. I felt like buddha and he was rubbing my belly for good luck. never again.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
so let me get this straight you just stared at his boner all night?
Randomize
