you want me
i'd rather choke on a dick.
yo dude i was totally schwabbin last night.
what does that even mean?
you ever see those charles schwabb commercials, where the people are like half cartoon half real.... well yeah i saw that in real life.
Banging your ex-girlfriends best friend 3 days after you break up is like saying "fuck you" with feeling. I wouldnt have it any other way.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them
i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
found one of my socks in the dishwsaher... xanax
Jamie's fucking a senior citizen and I'm eating chips and salsa in the shower at 2am, so whatever you're doing it can't be worse.
I cannot, in good conscience, let you talk to a guy who wears Chaps and a knit beanie
I am in the parking lot of CVS in Auburn. I think a truck full of Plan B and regret just arrived.
Randomize
