Cab driver just said he likes mutual masturbation in the cab. Um
I got a lap dance until she said they wipe of the poles between each dance to clear the "std slime", i couldnt even masterbate at home it was a horrible military monday
I shaved my legs finally. I am starting to remember what my skin feels like.
Just wandered into a surprise final. Only a surprise for me though. I wish I could say this is the first time this has happened.
It's either jizz or frosting, and either way, someone's being held accountable.
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Best part of being a cop: When I showed up at Thanksgiving with stitches in my head I could tell them I was "protecting and serving" not "drinking and falling down". Career validated.
You screamed "show me a dick stand!" But before I could ask you wft that was you had passed out in the corner
Is it rude to ask for an autograph after giving him a blowjob in their hotel's hot tub?
You finished the fifth and then hid two dozen eggs around your apartment and declare that you would "quest for Jesus". Have fun questing today.
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Trust me, I'm a professional lesbian.
I'm fairly sure I accidentally saw my dad naked last night
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