I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.
Instead of peeing my cute lil blue panties I peed in the train parking lot in front of an asian.
All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.
did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.
The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand
We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?
Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.
the cop didnt laugh with me when he patted me down and pulled out my flask.
Today wasn't Sunday Funday, it was more like Sunday god is taking a shit on my life day
It's a strange mix of shame and pride every time I pee at the bar and still see my lipstick on the bathroom wall...
Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
I wish you could see all the crumbs in my bra....it looks like Hansel & Gretel got lost in my cleavage.
My uncle showed up to pick us up at the bar just as I bought a drink so I put it in my pocket #drunksmart
Well she's 'call Wayne Gretzky a whore' drunk so you tell me.
Randomize
