Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
like if they didnt have tits and vagina, they have no idea how uninteresting to us they would be
Omg. In the pub, there's a guy shouting at the olympic channel 'yeah! Kill that motherfucker!' we're watching figure skating.
I bought canned wine on a clearance aisle at the liquor store... I feel like I'm living in an episode of It's Always Sunny.
Never underestimate the healing power of vomiting and a bath.
It's gonna be pretty hard to find a homeless person that takes crackers as currency.
This wedding is gonna be a disaster. I already had to turn down one of the groomsmen who offered me $100 to sleep with him next wknd.
Too low?
Yes.
I slept with one of the directors so you would get a good price on the ballroom for your reception. I'm the best MOH. You owe me bitch
Should I be concerned that the new guy I'm seeing just referred to my stealing a sailboat in college while drunk as "wholesome"?
It must be love. I'm deleting my porn for him.
It's one of the few times I hit fuck it levels of not caring
A guy who takes a plate of chicken tenders away from us is not to be trusted or slept with
It's a novelty for anyone to see a girl like me in a skirt like this milking a cow
I saw that he had a tattoo of a map of New Jersey on his arm, so i slowed down to like 20mph and pushed him out of the car
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
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