a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I found your undies. They were wrapped around my leg.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.
Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.
I'm flagged. Drank strippers water. Flashed Dave tryin to get a job here. You order the shots. Green tea betch.
I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...
Do you have any idea how hard it is to iphone keyboard type "roflcopter" when intoxicated?
He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits
Did I mention I hooked up with another country star? I think I need some sort of trophy for each time, yah know? Or like a sash and I win a badge or patch for each person. Like a slutty Girl Scout.
I just fucked her in the corner of an ally while holding a large pizza waiting on a pledge for a ride.
Didn't realize he fucked me in a bed a dog is always in until my face swelled two sizes and I had hives all over my body. This is God's way of punishing me for having amazing sex.
Honestly it was like 3 AM and I only agreed to go to the strip club because I wanted chicken tenders
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