as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.
momma always taught us never to change for a boy..
i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.
So the bar isnt gonna put that broken window on my tab. appaerently they want cash
I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
The tequila covers up the fact that the choco liquor tastes like sadness.
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
When you pick me up at the airport, please have some sort of drugs on hand.
I got to her place and she was petting her cat and pounding vodka out of the bottle. She looked like Dr evil in yoga pants. She's nuttier than squirrell shit.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
i want george washington to fuck me as hard as he can holy shit
I screamed "You look like a guy I've fucked!" to your brother at a party... I have some explaining to do.
So chicken strips and confidence do not you make you sober.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
