dude, mark had the least successful cab ride in history last night. took a cab to the bars, stopped at every atm in the city, none worked, then had to come back to the party to beg for 20 to pay the taxi that officially took him nowhere.
'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'
Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.
Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs
I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.
Hold on there are flying pancakes I can't handle this right now
He just walked up to be, grabbed my boob and said 'i think they have shrunk' i have no idea who he was.
Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.
I mean, the sex was awesome last weekend, but I didn't even imagine I'd reached ovarian rupture status.
I was like wtf you can warn a girl like hey I have a huge dick and I fuck for hours
Someone google feeding your vagina Advil and Neosporin
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
Is it rude to send him a, "happy birthday, I hope you finally get an STD" text?
Did I tell you I’m going on a date? His name is Michael and we both like dinosaurs and anal.
Just bought 2 liters of wine and frozen waffles for dinner. Is this 30?
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