And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.
best thing about halloween? there are pumpkins to puke in EVERYWHERE!
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
i'm sad. The beetle crawled away. I was only trying to get him stoned.
nah i think i'm gonna take my landlord's kids trick-or-treating instead. apparently the houses around here hand out wine to the adults and candy to the kids.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
when I woke up, he was drunk and singing "soft kitty" and petting my face
When the nurse referred to my vag as "your downstairs", I knew I found the perfect Doctors office.
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
Sorry, I know you're at the airport but a gram of coke is missing so good luck with security!
it was also funny because at one point I woke up with my hands tied with a belt and we were both like what the fuck
she has that "i will punish you like your mom did" vibe, i think guys like that.
I just wish the first erections of my life didn't take place at a dentists office but hey whatever I turned out alright
I kept screaming at his rabbit: "IT'S OKAY, YOU CAN HAVE SOME TRIX. FUCK THOSE SELFISH BITCHES."
Your vagina is awesome, like it needs to teach a class for other vaginas
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