I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.
so apparently mom and dad slept together on the first date
i guess it runs in the family.
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
4 out of 7 roommates in one month isn't that bad if you think about the fact that 3 of them were in the last 24 hours
There's something really beautiful about walk of shaming past the Capitol.
I see myself subsisting on tequila for the next several days.
I mean seriously...It's like the universe is saying "your vagina is closed, move along"
He screamed like a woman when he came then proceeded to sing "you [we] are the champion" by Queen. I think I'm in love.
I lick assholes and I wouldn't eat mdma
Hey do you remember me?
You were the giant banana I had sex with... how could i forget?
Our faces when the strip club was closed looked like the grinch just stole Christmas ☹️
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