she was bad bro. like...id rather put my dick in a blender. twice.
Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
he suggested we appoligize to eachother. then do blow and painkillers & have ourselves a make-up party.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"
We didn't even make it to the door before they came out saying we weren't allowed in because of last time..
do you think a sharp knife would stab through a cheese suit?
Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?
The best part of tonight is drunk commenting on my moms pic about how birds just want to give you diseases and pluck out your eyes
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
me and him got disney princess makeovers at disneyworld. this is why gay guys make the best friends.
Um ... did I have a lizard on my shoulder last night at the bar?
We had sex to Hey Arnold, Rugrats, and All That. I feel like my life has come full circle.
It wasn't intentional or anything but I've now had sex with all of your siblings. How's college going?
Randomize
