Sitting at a bar next to a guy wearing sunglasses drinking a pitcher by himself and having an argument with himself over if journey is more ballin than kiss. Feel better about myself.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.
My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night
Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?
I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I may not have eyeballs after all the drunk naked people having sex outside.
i cant believe we used adam and eve as a sexting theme last night
Last night you said you were going to stop drinking and then proceeded to dip cookies in your vodka.
Sadly that explains a lot.
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
Is it against health code to come into work half drunk and commando?
I can't wait to shower all this regret off of me
I want you
Nvm, now I want someone who replies to my booty-call texts faster
I do very much feel like vomiting. and I have no idea where that lighter came from. thank you for coming to my TED Talk.
Randomize
