My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
THE PICTURE OF PEPPERMINT MOCHA MADE ME WANT TO TOUCH MYSELF
I am currently in the waffle making stage of highness
apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.
I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.
I threw up in the bar parking lot and yelled THIS IS MY FUTURE.
Everyone is speaking Spanish and this 300 hundred pound chick is talking about the time she got out of prison... Fuck this place
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
Bro, you're like, my right testicle. Can't go anywhere without you.
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
the next thing I knew, I was on the floor of a Tim Hortons bathroom in Canada.
I don't WANT a sex disease! Especially one assigned to me by my supervisor..
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
The only thing good about being back at work is the lunch time hand jobs from the MILF
Randomize
