Why is it that you only get to have sex when you haven't shaved your legs in six weeks and are wearing period stained granny panties?
What drug did you take that made the cabinets scream at you?
In America we eat man semen.
you kept trying to make scrambled eggs with 3 hardboiled ones.
She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments
Let me just say....i'm sorry about setting your carpet on fire. I had no idea that the paper towel would burn that quickly.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.
its before 9am and ive already had to dip my dick and balls in a glass of milk. probably isnt a good sign for how today is going to go.
Ive been thinking this might sound random.. But we need a piano in our house next year specifically for railing chicks on it.
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
Hypothetically speaking, when I get a sugar glider would it be frowned upon to bring it Ito classes with me in m pocket?
Tip: never mention Guy Fieri during sex
I rocked his world in the back of my car in an overly-lit, heavily trafficked parking lot. Middle age is amazing!
when ur drunk laser tag is all fun n games. try it high and all of the aliens in the galaxy want you dead.
Randomize
