First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.
all she had left on were here heels. phone five
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved
Do you remember anything yesterday that led to needing a cup of couscous in my closet?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?
She is crazy, dude. She actually bit me on the gootch.
Also when they left they could only find one sock between the two of them. Apparently we're like crazy sock ripping vixens when we bring guys home drunk
Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops
I'm going to give blood tomorrow. Prepare yourself for pictures and a cynical poem about the heart and its level of tangibility.
I'm going to need a Jurassic park sized pooper scooper to deal with all this shit last night caused.
My boobs are literally freaking out because I've been wearing a bra for more than three hours....I need to go out more...
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
Goddamnit, guys. I got lube all over my kindle.
Randomize
