i feel like the song jizz in my pants was made for him.
do you know your status is "goal for vegas: hook up with a girl AND a boy"?
and THATS why i'm not adding my mom on facebook
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone
working out is totally making me break out.. i'm doomed to forever be either a butterface or a butterbod. there is no way out.
I bought a zebra print bikini, I'm gonna be honest here- if he doesn't want to have sex with me in this, he's gay.
he then proceeded to tear down my curtains, wrap them around his waist, and use the rod as his "rod"... you tell me how drunk he is...
I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.
last nights episode of shot friends brought to you by polish vodka and flamingo baseball. pickles cure hangovers.
I'll make some time for you! I don't know how long you need to get off, but I should only need 2-7 minutes, pending what kind of socks I have on.
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
You called me into the kitchen so you could show me that you were peeing in the kitchen sink and then told me to leave bc you couldn't do it with me watching
Why do I feel like I need to drink to feel better about the things I do when I'm drunk
I have a bunch of bug bites on my ass... This is why you don't have sex against a tree in the woods
why is there a porcupine in the kitchen
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