Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.
You're the best girlfriend ever.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards
That combination of brocholi bacon eggs cheese ketchup and pasta would have been a revaltion had you not thrown up on the stove and put out the pilot light
hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home
A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
I just want to be covered in whipped cream and spanked, is that too much to ask?
Just had hot animal sex with the guy who had been sending me 10 second selfie snapchats for the past month
I flashed the bar tender last night. Apparently I wanted a whiskey to go and that was the golden ticket. This is why I never come home
How do you forget making out with a coworker in the dressing room at Sears on more than one occasion?
...object impermanence?
I'm hoping the sedatives kick in before I drunkenly decide to eat this whole cheesecake.
Other than unclothed paranormal encounters, how has your day been
I suggest both. Please have sex with them and prepare notes for a final comparison.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
