she said she missed her period, but is going to six flags... think im safe?
In case you were wondering, you weren't dreaming. I really did get stuck between my bed and the wall last night.
MIND BOGGLER: batman and jesus are the same person. Think about it.
the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign
Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.
No, this is a senior booty call. It cannot be ignored.
I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.
Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me
Well it ended with everyone taking a bite out of a raw potato and a girl crying because her boyfriend wouldn't bring her any grape juice. So yeah...I'd say the night was a success.
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"
why not an indie porn pic then
Do you always skip to "Baby Got Back" when fat girls show up at the bar?
He wore a t-shirt that had an arrow pointing to his crotch and "DO IT FOR THE VINE" on it.
At least he's honest about how long he'll last.
Randomize
