We sat in your minivan all night in a parking lot pretending we were in the magic school bus going to the sun
we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.
Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.
When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you
We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.
Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving
Your blankets are not drunk friendly
On that note if you see a hobo smiling with a pack of cigarettes and an AMP energy drink, that was my good deed for the day
I've been trying to brush my teeth for 20 mins now... Mother of hangovers.
Look on the bright side: Now that I'm sleeping with both the exs it's good bye to drunk sexting the 'wrong one'.
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
If there's anything my liberal arts education has taught me, it's belligerence.
Her four year old daughter walked up to me grabbed my junk and said "this will be in mommy later." Wtf?
So it turns out high me is very efficient. I set 5 alarms to remind me to do things, i made mac and cheese, and i wrote a poem. I'm going places.
I just drunkenly emailed my feminist dissertation as a resignation letter for my call center job. What am I doing with my life!?
Randomize
