I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha
My dog fell asleep in his puke last night. He's only 5 weeks old and has more in common with my friends than I do.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Found your glasses drenched in ketchup on my driveway this morning
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
I thought I was smashed last night but the girl trying to pee in the fridge had me beat. True story.
Im going to be coked out with hello kitty fire arms. Valentines day can suck my dick
Hooked up with an ex Playgirl model. I feel like the universe just high-fived me for staying sober.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Holy shit, I just successfully took and sent a boob pic AT MY DESK I have conquered an entire new level of skill.
She sent me a thank you card for not fucking her boyfriend...
I just walked into my kitchen and my little brother is standing with his face two inches from the clock, staring at it, and eating an apple. I asked wtf he was doing and he just goes "the hour hand is moving VERY slowly".
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize