a smallpox vaccine scar is like a lower back tattoo.
I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.
While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."
He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex
you have failed as an in class drinking partner.
You were telling the cab driver that you believe in him and just to follow his dreams
Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE
He called me twice and texted me at 3am. Guess absence makes the dick grow harder.
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
.... I'm on a random couch somewhere in Newark wrapped in a Lightning McQueen blanket
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Randomize
