history professor just told us he has magic fingers. i'm going for it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk
listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.
I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner
other than the jail part I had a really good time with you
well it got awkwardly quiet so i looked up, slapped his stomach, said "youre the best!" while pointing at him, and went right back to sucking his dick.
I'm at the point where I'm gonna write in my mothers bday card. Happy birthday. Please stop having sex with the door open.
We haven't been trashed enough to shut down a bar together in four days. I'm starting to worry that we're growing apart.
I don't like pregnant me. I eat very large burritos, I don't like having sex and I can't even finish a Blue Moon.
Sorry for peeing on your books last night. I wouldn't leave them next to the window anymore.
I JUST WANT TO SIT IN MY UNDERWEAR AND WATCH THE BRAVES GAME AND NOT BE CONSTRAINED BY MY ED SHEERAN SHORTS
Got a blowjob while watching James Bond's "Octopussy." My 13 year old self would be so proud
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
I don’t care if there’s a pandemic. My husband gave me a hall pass for my 40th birthday and I’m going to use it!
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