conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her
she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.
HELP! How do I get paint off the dog?
Wearing the same clothes for three days in a row and eating an entire two pound bag of jelly beans really has a way of making a person rethink their life...
Just followed a blind kid around for 20 minutes to see how awesome his guide dog was. And he was pretty fucking awesome
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
Apparently asking your girlfriends roommate for a hand job when u craw into the wrong bed after a bottle of rum is "bad form".
Quit being awkward towards me every time the group is together. They're going to figure out we're fucking.
I'll pick u up. I have to buy a new sofa cover anyway. I swear I've never seem a girl cum like that before.
I promise it wsnt a penis when i put it in my mouth
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