I'm really into asian looking animals
I just realized i masturbated to the home shopping network. I either need to get a boyfriend asap, or a subscription to a porn website, or i just need to stop taking ambien
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.
I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Boats looked like robot pelicans and time was slow and now im on wipe out
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?
all i tweeted was "emergency this is not a drill" and he immediately texted me asking if this was a subtle booty call…it was
Split a bottle of Johnny Walker and then decided to eat a shit ton of peanut butter. That was a rough bed to wake up in
it'll be like the notebook except for with way more of my penis
If he thinks I'm canceling my orgy to coddle his stupid fucking behavior, he has another thing coming
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
We were talking about kinky shit, and I suggested a hand job in church.
How'd that go over?
Praise the lord and pass the lotion.
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